Grief is the response to a broken bond of belonging. Whether through the loss of a loved one, a way of life, or a cherished community, grief is the reaction to being torn from what you love. As Martín Prechtel teaches, the words for grief and praise are the same in the Tz’utujil language because you can only grieve what you have dearly loved.
We grieve the loves we’ve lost. We grieve our abilities vanishing through illness or age. We grieve the loss of faith in our religion. We grieve our children leaving home. We grieve the paths we didn’t walk. We grieve the family we never had. We grieve the suffering of the planet. But while grief may look like an expression of pain that serves no purpose, it is actually the soul’s acknowledgment of what we value. Grief is the honour we pay to that which is dear to us. And it is only through the connection to what we cherish that we can know how to move forward. In this way, grief is motion.
Yet in our culture, we are deeply unskilled with grief. We hold it at a distance as best we can, both in ourselves and in each other, treating it as, Joanna Macy says, like “an enemy of cheerfulness.” There is unspoken shame associated with grief. It is sanctioned in very few places, in small doses, for exceptional occasions such as death and tragedy. Beyond that, it can feel dangerous and weak. Perhaps because we fear we’ll drown in our despair, or because it means falling apart in a world which values ‘holding it together’ above all else. But grief plays an essential role in our coming undone from previous attachments. It is the necessary current we need to carry us into our next becoming. Without it, we may remain stuck in that area of our life, which can limit the whole spectrum of our feeling alive.
Grief is the expression of healing in motion. As you make the seemingly bottomless descent, it helps to remember that grief is the downpour your soul has been thirsting for. Because what remains hidden for too long doesn’t change. It is calcified in place, often sealed by shame, left untouched and forgotten by time. But when it can finally come into the open to be seen, it is exposed to new conditions and it begins to move. It rises on a salty geyser of tears, sometimes sung to the surface by a terrific moan, streaming down our cheeks until it moistens the soil where we stand, preparing us for new growth.
Have you ever noticed how beautiful a person is after they’ve wept? It’s as if they are made new again by the baptism of tears. Indeed, when something stuck can be released through grief, we are freeing up a greater capacity to love.
Excerpt from Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home, Toko-pa Turner
Love it and you ♥️
Thank you. Reading this helped me. I am grieving the loss of my husband.
So sorry for your loss Holly. I can relate. It’s a painful journey but the other side of it is a sense of fb peace. Much love to you.
Your words are healing salve to a wounded and lost soul.
This is succinct I feel each persons journey is purely singular.There are many components,but support of loving friends is key!! An essential journey !! Thankyou X
I lost a son in May last year. I did a course on grief a few years back and was reading a book written by a psychotherapist and in it was words i don’t forget. It said “The intensity of grief is depicted by the intensity of the love bond with another”. Parts of my grief has been quite a beautiful experience. My son had a beautiful mind and soul, therefore why should i not feel beauty in grief.
Perfect info! I feel better already❤️
After the end of my marriage to a narcissist it took me 10yrs to mourn cos even though he hadnt died & neither had i,
It felt like i was grieving so thank u for explaining ✌
I totally understand this!
You mourned the loss of your dream of marriage/relationship and the realization that it never was and would never be. I understand.
Gratitude for such a beautiful, powerful sharing about grief…may we re-create ways to learn and be together and let grief dance…
I share this grief too. Although it is almost 5 years now since my husband at the time just upped and departed, I still feel like there is cork tightly holding in my grief as my friends and family just could not identify with my trauma, loss and grief because of the shattered dreams and longing for the one I had committed to loving, but who had no idea of how to love another unconditionally.
yes, I totally get this. I Went through a very similar thing. It’s been 7 years and I think after about 2 years I put a cork in it because no one knew what to do with me and my grieving anymore. Now the dog we adopted together just passed 2 days ago and my grief is rising again. The gift has been that I get to be in the depths of grief to cleanse out the old stuff too. I am oddly grateful to my beloved dog for this gift. I am crawling on my belly to the next bit of life. we are all in this together. sending love.
How wonderful to recognize the the blessed unambiguous gift of the animals in our lives. They receive us completely.
May you be moving forward, possibly slowly but surely, in the knowing this is the perfect order for your awakening. Your love made such a difference in your relationship and now it is set free to turn toward you.
Yes! The not dying but something did die. Grieving also.
This is so beautiful, thank you
‘Grief is the expression of healing in motion’ – what a wonderful shift of perspective
Thank you especially for including loss of faith in our religion as one of many things we can grieve. It was synchronous for me to read that this morning. 50+ years ago I tearfully confessed to my minister that I couldn’t believe all I had been taught in our church. He surprised me by congratulating me and telling me that now I had my whole life to figure out what I really do believe. At age 73 I’ve written a book about the spiritual thread throughout my life and the expansive non-religious spirituality that guides me now. Recently, I went to a church to support a friend and was surprised to feel the tears of that young one in me who figured out early on that she didn’t belong in that institution. I think I’m grieving the loss of innocence of that young one who believed whatever she was told by those she trusted. Maybe it is only now that I’ve lived into what is true for me and written about it my book, that I can access another level of the grief I still carry over that parting.
Marilyn I would love to know the name of your book.
Hi Myrna, my book is Finding the Wild Inside: Exploring Our Inner Landscape Through the Arts, Dreams and Intuition. It just came out in October. Thanks for your interest.
I would love to read your book. Is it available?
Hi Suzanne. Thanks for your interest in my book. Yes, you can order it directly from me on my website or through any independent bookstore.
I also would like to know the name of your book. Your words resonated with me as a preacher’s daughter who wanted out. But I also dearly loved my father who was a forward thinking Methodist minister. I attended a couple of Episcopal services with a friend years ago & cried through the entire service both times. Uncanny the the priest, in his white robe, looked exactly like my father. I never went back. Perhaps this article on grief will help me release some of what’s left.
Such beautiful and meaningful words. Moving through grief. Unstuck! Free! ❤️
Such a beautiful article, Toko-pa! Thank you for your invaluable work. 🙂
Without it, we may remain stuck in that area of our life, which can limit the whole spectrum of our feeling alive. This is so timely. Here I lie awake at 4:05 am again thinking of my job. The company I have worked for for over 30 years was bought 7 years ago and I have been so unhappy there since. I realize now that I am grieving what was and all those old co-workers that have left. I think it is time for me to go because I have been stuck in a dark place, unable to thrive. Thank you Toko Pa for your timely message.
Beautiful… so incredibly speaks to my heart
How grief can unstuck our lives when we can embrace it
Thank you toko pa for such clarity <3
Grief danced my soul back to life.. Thank you for this deeply authentic sharing..
I am grieving the impending loss of my uterus and all the dreams about ever birthing my own kids. It was a difficult decision to make, but it was (is) a necessary decision.
I am grieving my wavering faith in the idea that God is benevolent and that He answers our prayers. Does He?
Thank you for such a beautiful piece. The grief of a 20-year marriage ending was just the beginning of an 11-year solo journey, which also still deals with the grief of those “lost” years spent being everything to everyone…but me. Your book and your articles bring me the relief, confirmation, and hope just when I need it. I feel such gratitude for the chance discovery of your work via The Shift Network…it has changed my life for the better. I no longer walk this world alone. Thank you and blessings to you!
Thank you so much for sharing a glimpse into what your contending with Kathleen. I’m touched that Belonging has been a helpful companion for you.
Thank you so much- this touched me as I am currently caring for my only child as he goes through a rough patch. I’m questioning All that I thought I did right when raising him. It’s hard to mourn someone who is still with you but who’s reality and life has changed so much that sometimes he is unrecognizable.
I am sharing this particular grief also, Mary. I feel shocked and lost, but also trusting the current of grief as it carries him and me to a new as-yet-undiscovered land.
Thank you, I have been grieving the loss of my best friend Nuala. She was a thirteen year old dog who traveled from New Mexico to Texas to Pennsylvania with me. We were inseparable. When she passed, I thought I was right behind her. I could not bear the days. Then I started pulling myself up, and started slowly getting back into life. I have changed, and find your words deeply refreshing.
Thank you for this and it succinctly describes how I am feeling since my husband abandonment in March 7th 2019 and many losses that have resulted from his decisions and actions. It has been extremely challenging and I have just began counselling to help me process it in a more positive way and help me move forward. I am looking forward to my growth over the next few months and rising from the ashes and being reborn from the ashes and beginning again in my 60’s. ❤️
I have grieved much in my 83 years and today reading this has helped me grieve my own loss of who I was able to be, even 3 years ago, so I shall grieve my loss of self as I used to be but also try to find the place in being ok with me now……….acceptance in this case, not so often in the case of the death of a loved one, much more difficult, as I know too well
A journey we all will share, Christina. Thank you for your dear words
I believe in “Good Grief” – time Spent to honor what is No longer.
This piece touches me deeply in my pain. My husband of 35 years together left me broken, and then just months after our divorce was final he passed away leaving me and my daughter just home from college to deal with his chaos. The despair and discovery of how much he had neglected and betrayed our love, our family has left me quite stalled in utter ruin. But these perspectives give me hope that I will move through and up out of this darkness. Thank you for that hope.
Oh, wow, I needed to read this……I am preparing to retire from a profession I dearly love at an institution where I work among the best coworkers ever. My chosen profession is part of the fabric of who I am……I know I am doing the right thing by retiring now and I do not plan to abandon my career love…..yet, it is quite challenging for me to walk through this change….Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for this beautiful piece about grief.
I lost my son, 21, in July 2019. The last 6-7 months have been hell but recently an awakening has happened and I’m looking forward to seeing this woman who survived the most devastating tragedy ever. The new me.
my husband Demetrios died on Good Friday from the Covic 19 Virus. i am grieving …him, my life as a care giver, our more vital life before, our 34 years together, his hand in mine at night when i go to sleep. grieving at this sheltering in time feels like a perfect storm of grieving.
thank you for your writings of understanding and hope and for each share.
There are no words that can meet your pain in its fullness, Diane, but I am sending up healing prayers for you. I cannot imagine your grief. May you be comforted. And may your husband’s memory be a blessing to you.